there have been many moments of awakening for me over the last 4 1/2 months. the moment i turned the corner and realized i was about to be laid off. the moment i had to tell my wife that i had been laid off and heard her anger overflow, realizing that my ego was the least of things that had been hurt by being laid off. the moment i realized the job hunt would not be quick and would not be easy. the moment my parents reminded me of what wonderful parents they are, and how to be a parent myself. the moment i realized that my daughter spends much more time thinking about things internally than i ever imagined. the moment my friends caught me and held me up reminding me that sometimes being friends is more than being close, it is occasionally being savior.

there have been many, many more over the last quarter. many personal; some trite.

this last week i have had another of these moments. it was one that i hadn't expected. as i said it was awakening. last week a man i worked for was laid-off and then today i was told that a man i used to work for was laid-off. as an architect this shouldn't have been such a surprise. in the mess that the architectural field has become over the last year, one thing i haven't heard is people is senior positions losing their jobs. in fact i have read article after article and heard about many incidents where only those of us in mid-career positions have been thrown out. i've been developing something of a class warrior mindset on this exact subject, finding i have a lot of angst towards those in senior positions.

at a previous firm there were three principles that had intended to retire within the next year or two. they all made a ridiculously large salary and had already been bought out by the firm. so they are expensive and they have no long term loyalty to the firm. rather than retiring a year early and saving three or more "staff" positions for each one of them that stepped aside, those three or more "staff" employees were laid-off with pittance of severance. one firm in the area, as an attempt to save themselves, laid-off everyone except their partners (think executives). they then turned around and realized that not one of the remaining employees had the requisite skill set to complete the work they had in the office. they definitely knew how to set up the contract and run the business end of things, but they didn't know how to produce anything. the company had to contact several of the people they let go of and ask if they would consider coming back to work. lesson learned? i'm not sure it was.

these are the stories that i hear or experience. the two men i mentioned at the start were neither one a worker. both were much more of the hegemony. and they have been cut loose. my questions tend towards wondering if those in position of hiring and firing have figured out that when cuts are necessary, it is necessary to cut at all levels. or is it simply a sign that things have really gotten this bad.

i'm breathing into it all. i hope you are too.

the last several months, as anyone who knows us can guess, have been very stressful in our house. i would hazard to guess that though we are working to communicate and keep our family life healthy that L and i have not done upkeep on our relationship.

nothing has fallen apart, and i imagine we are still far from that neighborhood. it just means we aren't finishing one another's sentences and we don't necessarily feel in sync. we are distracted with school and plans and job hunts and finances and all the fun that makes up life these days.

i don't know how aware we have been of our divergent minds. so many moments have past in which it seems that we are busy without time to focus on slight hiccups.

last night L and i were laying in bed. we had just turned out the light and were moving inexorably towards sleep. L started talking about something that is on her mind. she snuggled up to me and walked through her thoughts on what she was pondering. for the next while we just held one another and talked through her project, thinking over ideas and running off on digressions.

i slept really well. there is a wonderful magic in sharing a life with your best friend. so frequently this magic gets looked over or pushed to the side, all for the sake of the rush we find ourselves in or under the press of life's struggles. i'm blessed to find little reminders of what i have rather than waking up one day and only feeling what i've lost.

...it may be an exaggeration, but i think i am giving my little girl an ulcer.

to be fair, it isn't strictly me. N has become a foci of angst and worry. i tried talking to her about what she is worrying about last night, all i could get out of her was that she was under a lot of stress. apparently my unemployment has been wearing very heavily on her. for a few minutes we talked about the effort of getting a new job. she let me know that even when i tell her not to worry, i still talk to "everybody" about it. apparently this makes her worry about it more.

i need to talk less.

i absolutely love that word. it is ridiculous to say, yet fun.

haberdasher

• (UK) IPA: /ˈhæb.ɜː(ɹ)ˌdæʃ.ə(ɹ)/, SAMPA: /"h{b.3:(r).d{S.@(r)/

Noun

haberdasher (plural haberdashers)

1. A dealer in ribbons, buttons, thread, needles and similar sewing goods.
2. (US) A men's outfitter, usually a men's haberdasher.
3. (UK) A member of the Haberdashers livery company

i am not the model of refinement, but i love shopping for and owning nice dress clothing. a trip to the haberdasher is exciting and VERY, VERY humiliating. my body is not a point of pride and having others measure me up and assess my shape is just below getting poked in the eye with a knitting needle in my list of things to do. nevertheless, i have a sick fascination with fine shirts and suites, ties and accessories. a French-cuff can make me weak in the knees.

actually, a more accurate description is not that i love dress clothes, but that i love unusual dress clothes. as stated French-cuffs are a favorite and are not found on every shirt you pick up. another, related love is cuff-links. i wouldn't say your father's cuff-links are very exciting, but i really love some of the new designs that come out of the steampunk community (old type-writer keys, clockworks, mechinic...).

and on top of all of this i love ties. have always. i have a rather large collection of ties in my closet, though i wear only 5 or 6 of them. and somewhere in our possessions i have another large trove of ties that i put away due to overly '90's reference. i think i wrote a riddle/poem about neckties in high school.

there is something wonderful in all the knots (yes it is also ridiculous). whatever it is it attracts me to learn new knots and find unusual ways to wear my tie. the above photo is my latest new knot to learn. its called the Eldredge and it is one of a new series of knots that are either reversed from traditional knots or inverted from traditional knots.

i have tracked down instructions on three of these knots that i really like, but have read somewhere that by inversion and reversal the compendium of neckties goes from something like 85 standard shapes to around the 240-mark.

so this morning i happened upon this treasure. i think i am going to find a version of it large enough to frame and hang in my house.

*warning: this may sound a bit self-pitying, but that is not its intent*

i'm running out of options. at some point in the last three and a half months, L and i set an alarm clock. the sole purpose was to let us know we had reached the end of our resources and the end of our rope. the alarm hasn't gone off, but as happens so frequently, i have woken early and find myself looking at the clock 10 minutes before the alarm is actually going to go off.

the alarm is the end of March. that is my deadline for finding a job. if i don't have something together by then we have to abandon our present path and seek a new one. i'm a little at a loss as to where to find or even apply for work these days. i haven't seen a single good lead on a job board or in the want ads in weeks. i keep speaking about reimagining myself or my career, but in truth i am still a bit shell-shocked and don't see much chance in that within the next few weeks.

there seems like a huge pile of work i could be diving into whole-heartedly to rework myself. i could be giving myself design exercises to freshen up my eye, or i could be painting to get back in touch with my artist, or i could be designing houses on spec in hopes of selling a design or two. i could be writing and trying to get published. and there is so, so, so much work to be done on my portfolio. beyond the shell-shock, i am depressed. i am definitely afraid of the mountain of things i could be doing, but even more than fear, i simply want to hide under a huge pile of blankets.

so in this bout of depression and fear i am spending more than my fair share of time looking at what i could have done or should have done, rather than looking at what i can do or should do. at random moments i have of late found myself almost overcome by nostalgia, tearfully so, regretful of missed moments, angry at the present turn of tide, and frequently riling against the changes i see coming.

i need to step away from the keyboard. i am in danger of losing all perspective and rationality. (no i have't yet)