the last week, not to be too over the top, i have fallen in love with my wife, anew.

she is so accepting of me and my faults. rather than throw her hands up while telling me to act as an adult she holds me and comforts me. i'm almost certain that she is deserving to be beautified.

being unemployed has been an emotional tornado. daily i confront a market that doesn't want me and a mountain of self-doubt. all this colludes pushing my emotional buffers and wearing away at the levies i have set between myself and the world. in a practical sense this means i am a bear to live with and a grouch to approach. and yet day after day my wife kisses me and tells me she loves me.

this last week, as i have been seeing what a wonder she is, i keep tripping over the unpleasant little rain cloud i am becoming. she sat down one night, wanting to do our 25 things. everyone else was doing it so why shouldn't we (the cranberries knew it was coming). L queued up a pad of paper and asked where i wanted to start. together we romped through my life and randomly wrote down things that made us giggle. she knew who i was enough to have done my list even without me. she could have handed me a list and i wouldn't have changed anything. it's a little frightening in fact, but i treasure how well she knows me.

then we started her list. i don't think we were 3 things in before i found myself being snarky. quipping about something that "annoys" me or something that would be mildly embarrassing to her. i was, so there is no doubt to it, an ass. i couldn't list 25 things about my wife. it's not like she is mysterious or i haven't had opportunities to learn about her. i was/am so tied up in my own pity that i can't see the beautiful, fun woman that shares a life with me.

over the days that followed, i must have apologized a hundred times. i'm rather ashamed of myself...

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