the last few days it has been overcast and at points all out downpour. one would hope that here, under the umbrella i might hold out and be dry. seems though that i am finally internalizing the events of the week.

i am trying to write my resume. i am researching opportunities. i am cleaning my house. and my heart feels so heavy i can barely move.

the weight of it underpins my efforts. i can't focus on my resume and everything i try to write on it i quickly delete as failed.

L was angry on day-1. tears, curses and a general dislike of the people and place that had once again put us in this situation. i wasn't able to feel that. shock, disbelief, and more than a little denial. that's how i have taken on my unemployment. trying really hard not to come unraveled.

i'm not angry yet. but i am finding myself ready to cry at most any moment. my anima is still missing. and i kinda feel like i am moving through jell-o.

today is push day. the resume gets written. and i don't get to sleep until it is. its also Fall Feast (all raise a glass). there is plenty of distraction and plenty of work to keep me away from my resume (look i'm blogging). somewhere buried on my desktop is a document begging to be written/edited/completed.

*deep breath*

i'm going to go kiss my daughter and wife and remind myself why i push forward.

setting down to lay oneself out has become an all too frequent exercise around our house. and yet i continue to feel very uneasy reporting on my accomplishments and lack thereof.

resume. the word and work of the day. i have stolen and plagiarized and rewritten and deleted and read countless articles. and it is still... how do you Americans say? "eh."

lackluster.

deep breath. i suppose that part of writing this thing is to take the time to see yourself for what you are and to dream of what you want to be. i feel a lot of stress to get the thing out and into the world. no time to really ponder on what i want to say or how i want to say it.

what will i say? i guess we will all be surprised. i'm just about to the point of throwing my current content out. once that is gone and a blank page sets before me, perhaps i can find my voice and confidence.

i suppose that at some point this was going to happen. i just didn't see it coming. i was for once, though unhappy in the actual work, optimistic that i would continue to have a job since my project was on task with workload for the next several months.

in any case, it did happen. and now my days will start with want ads and coffee. i don't suppose the donut will be part of it though. luxuries...

i'm still a little shell shocked. not letting all out yet. my wife is just mad. from the moment she heard. i don't know if it has sunk in with my daughter. last time something happened at work she got indignant and wanted to know who she needed to talk to to straighten things out. today she kept passing it over.

i'm pretty sure that i would handle things the same way, just ignoring it. but i'm also pretty sure the office mates would look at me a little weird if i showed up tomorrow.

the little bit of hope i have right now is that several bond measures past this last election setting up accedemic architecture for a good couple of years to come. so if i can find a way to make it into the new year and make my resume appealing to all those educationally minded firms, perhaps i have a chance...

otherwise the market is sooooo ugly. just looking at the job boards today i was struck by how few jobs there were. not even in '99 was it this thin.

uhg.