... hmmm....



i seem to have taken a pause and forgotten to start again. oh well. i'll try to prime the system with a positive note and see how things flow from there.

for the past few months, those around, or reading, might have picked up that i am off my groove and struggling to find my joy. these days i identify more and more with Hamlet when he states:

"I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth..."

this weighs me as i am given to the minor chord and tend towards melancholy. much of this emotional blech has been product of my office and my career going though a period of difficulty. i don't weather the storms well, which is probably a fatal flaw as an architect.

this week has been a mixed bag of this tumultuous environment. on the least popular side this is where the financial impact has begun to be felt. belts are tight and getting tighter. i can't find more fat to trim and i am beginning to panic. i am praying about it and whining about it and in all ways consumed by this financial drought.

starting thursday morning and culminating this afternoon, my firm has finally gotten several pieces of good luck. since thursday we have gotten no less than seven new commissions. all of which appear to be high profile feathers in our cap... hopefully also money in our tills.

we celebrated this afternoon with champagne and laughter, both of which have been in short supply around the office of late.

i hope these are the avant guarde of a tidal wave of good tidings, answered prayers and general peace.

today, while off work and spending the day with my daughter, something happened. i was terrified and i was alone and i didn't know what to do.

most who know me will notice that at least two of the above descriptions are not things you could easily say about me. i feel very weak as a result. unable. impotent.

a couple years ago, prior to moving to Stumptown, we found ourselves in Bozeman.

this was the Bozeman of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, the Bozeman of A River Runs Through it. and it turns out the Bozeman of our dreams. in our time there i don't think there were any discoveries that could not have been made elsewhere, but it did afford us the time to be ourselves and to explore the world as a married couple.

at first i had the greatest job, L was immersed in the community and our daughter grew and grew. eventually we became something of parents to the college students at the CoC we attended. This was one of the most fulfilling parts of our life in Bozeman. Many of the friendships we nurtured are still very dear.

as we were settling in and preparing our lives to be lived in Bozeman, i lost my job. anyone that knows us, knows about this and probably has something of the idea that it was a traumatic occurrence to our family.

in the wake of this loss i applied to almost every architecture firm in town and i prayed and wondered what would become of me. or our family. in retrospect i do not think i applied enough, nor do i think i turned over every stone i could have. there was one or two opportunities i think i let slip though my fingers. this was a very harrowing and depressing thought that comes upon me anytime i look back at our leaving Bozeman.

as i was trying to find reason or direction my father started talking to me about the time i had spent working with the college group. he asked on more than one occasion if i had considered becoming campus minister to MSU on behalf of the congregation. i have always pulled away from being thought of as a minister. in my faith i don't see myself as a preacher or a missionary. it is difficult for me to step into those rolls when pressed, much less out of desire. i did however consider this thought as an opportunity to continue what i was enjoying, stay where i was and perhaps do something good for both the church and the university.

L and i discussed it and decided that we wouldn't push the congregation. we felt as if asking them to take us on was not fair to the other struggles that they carried. and so when all other options were exhausted, or at least all the other options i seemed willing to chase, we packed and left.

i am certain that i was depressed. i didn't fight for what i wanted. i gave up. and i might handle things differently if i were there today in the same position. at least that is what i tell myself as i wonder "what if..."

since leaving Bozeman, i have been told that the congregation hired a campus minister, not more than 6 months after we left. i nearly cried out in anguish when i was told this. being fair i have rationalized that i was not qualified for the position and it was only a hope to stay in Bozeman and not a passion.

this weekend a friend moved to Hood River from Bozeman. he stopped in with us for a day to play catchup. during the course of our time together it moved around to the campus group. i don't know quite how it was stated. though i do remember i wasn't fishing for it. my friend mentioned that the campus group would have pushed for the church to take me on as a campus minister if they had known i was interested. all this has served is to reawaken a life not lived by me in my imagination.

if i had stood up and asked to be taken on as the campus minister, would we still be in Bozeman, would our life be substantially different than it is at present? i don't really know. but the whole exercise has put me in a mode of nostalgia for Bozeman, our Hobbit hole and the beauty of Montana.

two sayings were on my brain this evening as i left a gathering of friends:

-it takes a village to raise a child

-somewhere a village is missing its idiot

and i played the unhappy intersection of these two thoughts.

i have a natural propensity to place my feet in my mouth. frequently i am so ungainly i can fit both in at once, as writing this will probably prove.

there was an incident this evening in which two children were having a moment of conflict. i happened to notice at the moment where words were turning into shoving. unfortunately this tension was at the top of a flight of stairs.

i, in my rashness called out one of the boys, in my "big voice". EVERYONE pauses to see. life moves on. i have a horrid feeling that i was overstepping. perhaps embarrassing a parent/friend. in dwelling upon the moment for the last several hours i think i could have handled it in a couple different ways. the easiest of which would have been to call out everyone's name who was involved rather than only one side of the argument. then at least i would be spreading my clumsy alienation around at everyone rather than the single set of parents. i could have darted up the stairs and taken things in hand, rather than in volume. i could have even ignored.

i try to see myself as part of this 'Village' of people. my daughter and my wife and myself, have our egos and our friendships tangled into these people's lives. this weaving of lives is what makes villages. the problem, if you can call it that, is that i am not my friends. and my ways are not their ways. the village is home to many different styles and thoughts and theories. even when similar in ways i am afraid that i overstep my bounds to "parent" someone else's child.

any time this comes up i feel as if i have jeopardized the friendship. uhg...

i have lost the meat of my thought. and the way of my ramble.