there is a tendency to substitute pretty or less abrupt words when talking about firing employees. we "downsize", we "streamline", we never fire someone and rarely lay them off. heaven forbid we distribute pink-slips.

this week the pink-slips are coming out. though i don't think they are as pleasantly accepted as the that to your right. yesterday afternoon two bodies were given the axe. and then this morning we were welcomed to a new day by the departure of a third (or i suppose 4th if we count the HR girl).

there is a tangible level of distraction and angst in the office. conversations are in whisper tones and infrequent. answers are clipped and snarky. we are afraid.

this is not a out of the blue and in fact the only ones that were caught unprepared for this moment are the 3 (or 4) that actually received the walking papers.

in september several jobs halted, defaulted or evaporated. our firm took a collective deep breath. and our CFO began to explain the financial forecast. so for the last four months we have been told that things are slowing. we have been told that there are "other" tools in our toolbox that are yet to be used. we are told to not be afraid. we are told that new work is coming. as because we are told with such frequency and tenacity that we are not comforted by the information. rather we are terrified. we are undone. and several people are sporting pink-slips.

what happened to the "other" tools?

edit: so while walking the office today i noticed that F. our spec writer's desk was empty, bringing the total to 5. a couple questions later, and i found that there were actually 3 laid off. and what appears to be 3 "on loan" to another firm for 6 months. the general mood of confusion and disorientation persists, though it has been suggested that if you haven't been laid off already you should be at ease.

i'm not sure that is the best way to handle the moment as they didn't lay everyone off at once. what we have seen so far stretched over several days and appeared in several different ways. *deep inhale, now breathe into it*.

today the first layoff in my office occurred.

the HR woman was let go. now this could be completely aside from the difficult financial market that surrounds my profession, it could be only a performance issue. but the timing says otherwise. any calm that could be reached in the office has been undermined. well, except for me.

i am do have a little anxiety, but i find myself exceedingly calm. i have been laid off twice due to the market slowing or work drying up, so this is nothing new. i feel like even if the axe falls on me i have things in place behind me to catch me (nothing grand and nothing that i would want to take on as a primary position). the last two projects i have been on have performed VERY well, showing that i may not be Midas, but i do possess a certain alchemy. it just hasn't presented itself to me as a thing which i need to worry about. i have plenty of others that i need to address before i let this ruffle my feathers.

now that i have assured both my self and reader that i am not in any way freaked out by the downturn in my office, let me digress to what my mind has been playing with.

when ever the subject gets brought up at work over the last few weeks i let my mind wander to what i will try to do if my name gets called out on the layoff list. presently i had my list down to one option. but this weekend a friend of mine opened a second line of thinking.

i had pondered following my pottery bug full-time if this architectural thing didn't pan out, but i keep thinking about how much skill i have let atrophy. so my mind turns to furniture, woodworking and the like. no tools. that's a big roadblock.

when it all comes down though i think i really just want to run away from everything i have ever done and find a new path. that new path looks greenest as a beekeeper (as long as all the bees don't die off... he he he). i can't explain it, but beekeeping is the opposite of everything i have ever pursued and therefore becomes the most exquisitely alluring profession.

- this weekend L decided that her hair had to be cut. i have in the past trimmed her hair, but saturday she asked me to really cut it. with shaky hand and fluttering heart i took scissors to her head. and over 6 inches later, she had short hair. she seems to like it, i would have rathered that she went to a salon, but since things turned out ok-ish i will take a little pride in this. our friend Joe mentioned (jokingly) that maybe i had a profession if this architecture thing didn't go over, and though he was joking and i am joking when i say i could cut other people's hair, this morning when the notice came out that HR girl was no longer employed with us, i had to take a second thinking how much it would cost to have my scissors sharpened.

well that's enough rambling. i should probably dwell on something less dark than potential layoffs. maybe bees in a field of flowers...