or... How to One-up Joshua Stump.

i ride MAX (that's light-rail to those that don't know) to and from work, everyday. i have not driven to work once in the two years we have been here in Portland. its cheap, convenient and in the end makes me feel good about not adding to the already overburdened Portland traffic pattern.

my general pattern is to get on at BTC and off at Chinatown (or on at Chinatown and off at BTC) without looking up or talking to anyone. i am a little bit of a turtle in that way. i tend to read voraciously on the MAX.

on tuesday i got off work at 5, walked to the landing and was surprised to find my train just rounding the steel-bridge. pleasant surprise. once on the train i stepped up to the seating behind the driver. in this area there are 15 seats. what i found were 15 seats being completely occupied by 8 very grumpy men. i still don't understand how that math works out, but it was the case. the woman in front of me took the only easily accessible seat leaving me to ask/push someone out of the way. there were two young men on the left side that looked like they would each kick me as soon as give up one of the two seats they possessed.

i chose the one that looked less murderous. i don't mean that as any kind of exaggeration. it looked like the train had just stopped to pick up a load of hardened criminals at the state penn. as i sat down the kid i displaced looked at me in a displeased manner and asked with a surprisingly sunny lilt, "how's your day?" i spoke for a couple seconds and then we both returned to our respective distractions; me to my book, him to his knee drumming.

sitting there i had to scold myself for over reacting to the appearance of the group on the train. this guy turned out to be none threatening and rather pleasant.

two or three stops later the guy i was sitting next to got off the train. i took the shuffle as an opportunity to turn on my ipod and completely insulate myself. and the train moved on down the line. three stops further i began to hear raise voices behind me.

i took an earbud out and was immediately sucked into the argument in the seat being me.

"you can't take two seats"

"yes i can, who's going to stop me?"

"you have to share, just move over"

"i'm not going to share. if you want to sit, you'll find another place."

this angst filled exchange is between a bag-man who has just gotten on the train and the murderous thug i chose not to sit by.

"move over so he can sit down. what's wrong with you?" (beginning of third-party involvement)

"there's nothing wrong with me a******..."

"here you can have my seat" says the very very VERY large man that had been taking two seats at the front. bag-man sits. big man moves towards the murderous-thug making a comment i don't catch. and then walks down the stairs and off the train.

murderous-thug takes this opportunity to say some spicy and rather racy things about the big man and his parentage. sealing it all off with a description of deepest love, or desire for said big-man.

with the charged air of vocal violence all around the young, not-as-pretty-version-of-Chris-Cornell sitting behind murderous-thug decided to make a comment or two about MT's parentage... things begin to go swiftly downhill. MT stands up and moves towards NAPCOCC making vague and rather disturbing threats.

and here yet another character enters: fifty-year-old-salesman. he is sitting across the aisle from NAPCOCC and voices the opinion that everyone should just calm down.

"what, are you going to make me?!?" MT fairly screams. and without waiting for an answer hauls back and hits FYOS in the face. hard. there is shock... a little bit of feeling lost. no one moves except MT who runs down the length of the train pushing people left and right as he goes. suddenly everyone has a cell phone calling either 911 or the transit cops. the train is approaching its next stop and people are screaming for the driver to lock the doors. pandemonium.

train stops. doors open. MT runs for it... insert a couple minutes. police and transit police take off after MT and have FYOS and NAPCOCC as well as a handful of other witnesses step off the train.

wow... and the train rolls on.... towards the Punishment portion of our day.

yes. you thought that was it. but the ride continues. though the humanity decreases.

having left MT and FYOS and the police behind the train settles in and moves towards its next stop. everyone around begins to discuss the last few tense minutes. the train stops. on steps something like 10-12 street kids. you know the ones. they wander downtown. dressed in black leather and camouflage. they are deadlocked, tattooed and generally traveling in small packs.

and here was one such pack. the kids were in good spirits. not all of them seemed to be "all there." but they were almost a breath of fresh air after the murderous-thug. the doors closed and street kid number 6 pulled out a guitar. they begin singing together. it was good. it lightened the mood of the train. it pulled me out of The Jesus and Mary Chain and No Country For Old Men. it went from Pioneer Plaza through Galleria on past PGE Park and drew to a rapid and paniced close at King's Hill.

waiting on the platform were 6 police officers, 2 transit marshalls and another couple of TriMet employees.

"Quick! Run for it!!!" yells STN6. but there was no running. the doors opened. the police gathered up the street kids and herded them off the train. where i am sure the marshalls started writing ticket after ticket.

it was horrid.

but i suppose it was all another day on the train.