not to start this sounding like i don't know my worth, but i am horrid at seeing my own value. it is a leftover from my so-called life as an artist.

artists are known for two things, universally: 1) immense egos 2) complete lack of self worth. we think our art is everything, but we can't be sure and must hear you agree that it is everything. if you disagree or are not as enthusiastic we (me/i) will get incensed and begin defensively posturing to prove to you that we and our art are as great as we think we are, all the time inwardly being crushed that our work has not lived up to our assumption. you will hear this if you don't offer up the correct and abundant praise we seek, "you just don't get it..."

as i come from this school of emotional stability, i walk a very fine line between feeling i am worth something and feeling i am worthless. or that my work is worthless. or that i am not an expert when i am. whatever. point is i don't have a clue how to take a compliment.

that said, i have been complimented very publicly the last two days.

i take great pride in the work i do. if you haven't talked to me about my tattoo, you should. i find that if i apply my whole self my work is elevated. it is enriched. i don't particularly understand how someone in my profession can take less of a stance when it is so exacting of a field. our clients rely on our thoroughness and precision. they want perfectionists and type-A personalities working for them. the products we produce are more complete and pleasing if a rigorous exploration has taken place as well as a dedication to finding real solutions.

despite this previous paragraph (or perhaps as a result of it) i take for granted that my working methods are the norm. when i look over someone's work i expect to see at least the same level as my own. this is not always the case.

yesterday in a discussion about the project i am presently working on a colleague commented about part of a model that i had been responsible for. i mumbled something of a response and then the rest of the group all chimed in that my addition to the team had really help raise the project to the next level.

despite this awful office-ise i was truly flattered and didn't know what do respond more than my mumbled something from a few seconds earlier.

then today i gave a drawing to a colleague. she was in need of something for a project and had asked if anyone had previously done anything like it. i was the only one that responded. (my time in Burque and Bozeman exposed me to a plethora of different typologies.) when i handed off the model i commented, not knowing what her intended use was, that the model was rough and would probably require some work. in truth it is a dumb model and is in need of quite a few parameters to become useful. a couple hours later she returned the data to me and responded (in front of my boss) "s. if that is a rough model, i can't imaging one of your finished pieces."

...

several things come to me out of these interchanges. the most readily is that i am finding my place. i have definately landed in a work environment that allows me to explore and to show off what i know. i feel like i am learning too.

second these kind of moments at the office make me proud. i find that i don't look forward to the next compliment, but i do look forward to the next opportunity that i can give of what i know or have. i feel well used.

the last is a bit more connected to the initial blurb about worth and ego. i may be growing an ego again (only time will tell) but i am also finding a new sense of worth in my work. remembering that i studied hard to get where i am. i have worked diligently and with purpose to become an architect, and the more i am surrounded by my new co-workers the more i feel it was time well-spent.

i am almost feeling like i want to be me when i grow up.

last week i brought up the topic of a nom de guerre. the topic seems to have been a more interesting topic than i had expected, as it was brought up and discussed outside of this bumbershoot.

the main question was: what is yours? and i had to admit i didn't have one. or at least couldn't think of one. i felt a little weakened by this admission. and what has been worse has been the search for a name. i can't overcome what feels like a very pretentious move of "naming" myself. and then yesterday Kevin pointed out something that hadn't occurred to me, at least in this context.

the names we give our avatars online are frequently something close to a nom de guerre, more so than the stage name even. as we approach the intarweb and are confronted with what feels like a vast and foreign sea of ideas it seems that everyone girds themselves with a new name. something that protects their identity and reveals their interest.

once, i took the name of thelostboy. and for many years that has been my nom de guerre de facto. it was an expression of my state in life and love and faith. summing me and giving me a front to face the world through my LCD window. somewhere after this i have found much of myself. not all and not all expected. certain things were lost forever or lost without realization.

though found, i am still thelostboy more often than not. in most ways i see it as a nom de guerre that i will always wear. not sure i am ready to redraft my cheques or my driver's license to reflect this.

i work next door to a hip-and-trendy day salon. when ever i walk by there are perfectly coiffed people perfectly coiffing other less dexterous people. it is all too much to deal with when my "beauty" regime involves shaving as infrequently as public opinion will allow (and then only the barest sq.ft. of real estate) and washing my hair.

i haven't had a haircut since we moved to Portland. and even that one was ill-advised. i'm thinking of learning how to eat locust and wild-honey.

L and i have an ongoing laughter about such places as this salon. we joke that one day they will see either of us walking by, be horrified and feel it is their humanitarian duty to right this horrid wrong (ok so i am using my words, not L's). in this frenzy of philanthropic desire, they (the aforementioned: perfectly coiffed) will run out of the salon, leap on either L or i and drag us kicking and screaming into the salon, "for our own good."

this as i have said is a joke L and i laugh over. we've never seen any coiffure so offend as to do anything like this. well, until today.

i was walking through the Pearl, looking for a cheap and quick bite. on my meander i passed, not one but several salons. my hair is in a state today. and i have not touched razor to face in the last couple days. at each salon, as i went deeper into the Pearl, the scowls got darker. at first they were just averting their eyes, but by the time i found lunch i am almost sure someone was following me with scissors.

i may have to buy a hat... or perhaps some aqua net.

of late i have found it difficult to keep up with reading the blogs i follow and even more so to write my own blog. my work has been very filling during the day and at night i feel as if i only want to spend time with L & N. this is not to say i am giving this practice up. i find myself in need of a place to write, even though i have an audience of like 2.3 readers.

the feeling of being out of time and pressed in all sides that accompanies the "full" times of our lives can on occasion feel as though you are under attack, or at war with your own life. fighting for any measure of accomplishment or completion or recognition. presently this describes me. i do not feel like i am losing a battle, just at war. rambling...

i actually had more of a point when i began this entry. reading the other morning i ran across the term "nom de guerre". for you that aren't up on your french, that's "name of war". in essence the nom de guerre is used in the same manner as a "nom de plume", in the role of a pseudonym. i like the impact of the word though. much of creation is the act of struggle or internalized war, whether you are a writer, an artist or a performer.

wikipedia notes:

The origin of “nom de guerre”

The assigning and adopting of noms de guerre was a long standing tradition in the French army; it certainly existed before 1651. In 1716 the practice became more formalised and the French army required all regular soldiers to have a nom de guerre. The names could be arrived at through the choice of the soldier, or perhaps the soldier’s company captain. Some of the naming practices adopted by particular companies enabled the men to be identifiable as members of their companies, much like a serial number: Practices such as assigning men the names of vegetables (the Company of Casaux of the Régiment de Boulonnois-infantrie, between 1764 to 1768) existed.

These names would be retained by the soldiers when they left service and would often be passed on to their wives and children. As a result, it is important to understand the old French practice of assigning noms de guerre when tracing French family histories.

over the last few years, i have witnessed that everytime we make a statement along the lines of being content or seeing our finances level out, our life or pocketbook immediately heads for trauma. i'm not actually as bent about this as i used to be, as i have almost come to expect it. i'm curious if there is something to it though. is God holding back the tides of tumult when we are not in a place from which we could recover? allowing things to crash in only once we have a sure footing?

i don't really have a lot to say on the subject. more i'm curious.

so i have been working feverishly and having a pithy of things to say in blog. i keep starting to blurt and then finding the nib dry after only a couple strokes.

so that i do not completely fosake my blog-audience (that would be you leslie), i decided that i would put links to a blog and an article that i feel outline a VERY interesting place we americans are finding ourselves and our country in.

first is a article in the Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/main.jhtml?xml=/money/2007/08/08/cnchina108.xml) about china's possession of treasury bonds, and the precarious position that possession has placed the american economy in.

second is a blog by Geoff Manaugh. BLDGBLOG explores the built world, and in the August 2nd entry (http://bldgblog.blogspot.com/2007/08/infrastructure-is-patriotic.html) Geoff looks at the disaster in Minneapolis that occured last week.

to me these two writings are related in the discussion of where our money is going, and what those investments will do to us as a country over the next 50 years.

tonight we are picking up Natalya at the airport. she has been gone for about a week. her leaving was difficult. moreso than it has been in the past. Leslie and Natalya spent quite a time last Tuesday tear-ladden and emotionally wrecked.

while she is out of town we try to be adults. going out and staying in. cleaning this and dirtying that. but there is always the feeling that we are a field of sunflowers robbed of the summer sun.

my wife retreats within herself. i become a work-aholic. its just bad. for all our trying we are wrecks.

tonight at 5:30-something we are picking up the Little-Bug. and with her we are expecting the return of spring to the Darnell house.