not to start this sounding like i don't know my worth, but i am horrid at seeing my own value. it is a leftover from my so-called life as an artist.

artists are known for two things, universally: 1) immense egos 2) complete lack of self worth. we think our art is everything, but we can't be sure and must hear you agree that it is everything. if you disagree or are not as enthusiastic we (me/i) will get incensed and begin defensively posturing to prove to you that we and our art are as great as we think we are, all the time inwardly being crushed that our work has not lived up to our assumption. you will hear this if you don't offer up the correct and abundant praise we seek, "you just don't get it..."

as i come from this school of emotional stability, i walk a very fine line between feeling i am worth something and feeling i am worthless. or that my work is worthless. or that i am not an expert when i am. whatever. point is i don't have a clue how to take a compliment.

that said, i have been complimented very publicly the last two days.

i take great pride in the work i do. if you haven't talked to me about my tattoo, you should. i find that if i apply my whole self my work is elevated. it is enriched. i don't particularly understand how someone in my profession can take less of a stance when it is so exacting of a field. our clients rely on our thoroughness and precision. they want perfectionists and type-A personalities working for them. the products we produce are more complete and pleasing if a rigorous exploration has taken place as well as a dedication to finding real solutions.

despite this previous paragraph (or perhaps as a result of it) i take for granted that my working methods are the norm. when i look over someone's work i expect to see at least the same level as my own. this is not always the case.

yesterday in a discussion about the project i am presently working on a colleague commented about part of a model that i had been responsible for. i mumbled something of a response and then the rest of the group all chimed in that my addition to the team had really help raise the project to the next level.

despite this awful office-ise i was truly flattered and didn't know what do respond more than my mumbled something from a few seconds earlier.

then today i gave a drawing to a colleague. she was in need of something for a project and had asked if anyone had previously done anything like it. i was the only one that responded. (my time in Burque and Bozeman exposed me to a plethora of different typologies.) when i handed off the model i commented, not knowing what her intended use was, that the model was rough and would probably require some work. in truth it is a dumb model and is in need of quite a few parameters to become useful. a couple hours later she returned the data to me and responded (in front of my boss) "s. if that is a rough model, i can't imaging one of your finished pieces."

...

several things come to me out of these interchanges. the most readily is that i am finding my place. i have definately landed in a work environment that allows me to explore and to show off what i know. i feel like i am learning too.

second these kind of moments at the office make me proud. i find that i don't look forward to the next compliment, but i do look forward to the next opportunity that i can give of what i know or have. i feel well used.

the last is a bit more connected to the initial blurb about worth and ego. i may be growing an ego again (only time will tell) but i am also finding a new sense of worth in my work. remembering that i studied hard to get where i am. i have worked diligently and with purpose to become an architect, and the more i am surrounded by my new co-workers the more i feel it was time well-spent.

i am almost feeling like i want to be me when i grow up.