"Today I, Sean, love you, Leslie, completely as I did yesterday and as I will tomorrow. I will be there for you when you need me most. I will hold you in my heart just as I hold you in my arms. I will share in your dreams, delight in your joys and comfort you in your sorrows. I will be your confidant, your counsel, your friend, and your lover. When you are not within my sight, you will be within my thoughts. You are my joy: you are my love. As we grow old together and our love matures, may we hold on to the passion and affection for each other we feel today.

I will be your loving friend as you are mine. Set me as a seal upon your heart, like the seal upon your hand, for love is stronger than death."

These are the words that began something. These are the words that cemented my path. These are the words that will keep me warm in my waning hours. This is the vow that shapes my life as much as my faith as it is framed in that faith and is an action showing how that faith lives.

The words themselves seem so simple. At the root my faith is to Love God and Love my neighbor as myself. Simplicity in words... playing it out in the world seems to be far from simple. Endless number of derivatives out there that try to show or explain this away. So does the simplicity of my vows make them forever difficult, as so often is the case of faith? A friend has commented lately that everyone they know seems to be struggling or getting divorced. My friends are in two pools, group 1 is newly married, group 2 is between 7 and 12 years married. Looking at both of these groups is interesting, though probably not surprising. Most of the newlyweds are still mushy and cannot ever imagine falling out of love with their mate. Many of the 7-to-12ers are struggling with their marriage the way most of us struggle with air, it is a constant issue and requires unending work.

The first of my friends to get married was a girl from my high school circle. A once crush that had moved on from me. She met a boy the first month of summer after graduation and married him in less than a month. They proceeded to run havoc around town, burning money and brain cells in some kind of nihilist fit. Nine months later they were divorced. The rest of us sat back in a kind of shell shock from the whole event. Not a one of us got married for the next 10 years (which seems to be the time when most everyone was doing it). Now (at least recently) we are coupling and marrying and getting on with the normal shift of life.

We have been more cautious about getting married it seems. Does that mean anything? Not sure.

I asked Leslie if she thought the couples we know that are having issue had set themselves up for it or was it inevitable. She leans towards the inevitable side. I can totally understand that viewpoint. Everyone goes through it so it must be without alternative. If there were an alternative to the growing pains of a relationship someone would have told us, they would have packaged it in a little blue pill. Or old wives would dispense it while telling you how to have a boy, as opposed to a girl.

My mind wanders about the setting yourself up for a fall. Do we go into our marriages with a sort of suicide pact? I do know several that do, loading the gun as they tie on their bow-tie. I wonder how aware these gun toting grooms and brides are of the arsenal they carry along? Or is it so much easier to see it from the lofty table land of my glass-house, than from the gritty battle field of the pending nuptials (i can't even seem to spell that)? Is it more of a function of stacking straw than smoking guns? Do we make small concessions over time, knowing that they do not fall in line with our vows, but justifying that it is a small little thing to bear, until one day we awake to find the last little straw broke our back, leaving us so far removed from our partner that we can't see over the pile of minute decisions obscuring the face of our once beloved?

I don't have answers, as so often is the case in the world of the blog. I do question and i pray that i might be nimble-footed enough to dance around the ample opportunities presented to destroy my marriage...

Today i got the results from my last (not last last, but last taken) professional exam. This was by far the worst, as far as my level of confidence. With most of the other exams i came out of the exam and knew which questions i had known and knew which i had not known. Whether i passed or not is another story as i frequently questioned whether what i knew was enough to pass the exam. When i walked out of Lateral Structures on the 6th i had no idea about anything. there were three that i knew i didn't know, but the rest of the 75 questions were completely up in the air. I found myself feeling like i had guessed everything, had not prepared, and had screwed myself out of getting my license for another year. Great was my surprise to find today that i PASSED the exam. How well i did will never be known, as NCARB does not post results other than pass/fail.

I am now 6-9th of the way to becoming an architect. If everything stays on track i should be licensed by the end of the year! WOOT!

That feels like i might actually be growing up. Oh dear.

Ambition is something that i have no shortage of. The problem generally comes in when the ambition hits reality. I tend to get a little freaked out by the implications of desire becoming manifest and the work i need to put in. Not that i am opposed to working hard or feverishly following inspiration. Rather that the dream may pale in the light of day, or that in a comparative sense what i dreamt is not the answer to the problem.

I am playing the 'vague-game' here as i am not confronting an issue head on. Recently there have come before me several opportunities to take the vision or hope i hold for my career and press forward with it in startling ways. None of the opportunities are guarantees, but they all offer professional and financial leaps and bounds. This is the moment i could take control of my future as i have never dared in the past.

Terror grips me when i actually sit down to work on these opportunities. Terror of the unknown. Terror of failure. Terror of writing all these cliches. It goes all into the fear that my dreams, what i have worked on for the past 10+ years of my life, are not as sparkly and beautiful as they should be or i suppose could be.

I am praying about it, in the hope that i can find the drive to keep up with my ambition and the opportunities presented to me.

When confronted by the unknown or offered the potential to achieve your dreams, do you jump at it? or do you tarry? Why is it so hard to move when it is the good stuff staring at you?

Deep breath, dive in...

My friend Josh amazes me as he seems to have endless time to blog about everything under the sun (movies, sports, life). He does this while still maintaining a life as a lawyer, having a great relationship with his two sons, and maintaining a beautiful wife. And here i am updating the first time since i July. Where does my time go?