Yesterday i sat for a professional exam (one of nine). i have taken 2 other in the last quarter. taking the test is little to nothing in my mind, but the studying is killing me. its not as if between wife, daughter and career i have any time left to myself. add in any amount of social interaction and moonlighting on occasion and i become the imperfect. i tried the going without a social life while in gradschool and that is no longer an option in my mind. monks have better lives than gradstudents. i suppose i have nothing to complain about. but it becomes a weight to bear.

It is amazing how difficult living in a new community can be. Not like summer camp where everyone is in for a week and all you do is socialize. Not like college where you come in hoping to start a new life (like everyone else). Rather a new city/new job/new everything is like you have been sent out into the unknown to observe and gather data. You are without corporeal form and therefore cannot impact the world around you or change the events you witness. And so you watch and you watch and you watch. You learn the language and dance of the community you are watching. You research and familiarize with the traditions and nuance they hold sacred. You become an expert. And you still watch. Occasionally a player from the action will make you real and ask you to participate. For a short time you enter the world you have watched, and then you go back to the watching and waiting.

I am hoping that the watching and waiting eventually become being a part of the community. I don't want to spend my early 30's as an outsider in a place i have thrown my fortune at.